Return to ForumsReply to Thread
Seeking advice!!!

I started back to work after 10 years of being a stay at home mom. I found a job, finally, after 2 years of looking. My job has turned into a nightmare. I started this job June 22, 2010. The man who owns this place is 90 years old. There are 6 offices above the shop, and they are literally ( I am not exaggerating) piled and stacked with 40 to 50 years worth of papers. Whoever he had working here did not file anything, left stuff piled everywhere. My first day at work - was almost my last. This man has made me cry on several occasions. I have never been spoken to the way he speaks to me. I spend half my time going back behind him picking up and finding stuff that he has lost because he can't remember where he's put it. (Including my paycheck on two occasions) He brought an order that I wrote for him and lectured me for 20 minutes about how to write 5's and S's. Then to add insult to injury, asked did I "want him to buy me a letter book so I could practice". I dread coming to work now. I've only been at this job a month, and already hate it. I've always been taught to respect my elders, but there has to be a line somewhere...right?? What do I do?!

Submitted by: Elizabeth Rhoades

 

ReplyPosted By
Are you still working here? I am joining this discussion a little late. But I agree - GET OUT OF THERE. Are you sure that the last person he had working there did not file anything and let things pile up or is it that way because no one stays working there long enough to file anything? I like Deborah's suggestion of having a little fun by asking if he is ok when he is ranting. hahaha No one deserves to be treated that way. We spend more of our "awake" hours at work than we do at home - so find a job you love and enjoy! Melissa Helms on 9/2/2010 1:58:04 PM
It's great that you are back in the workforce and I applaud you. Now, nobody should receive the treatment you are receiving so my advice to you is to starting looking for another job and give your two week notice. Mr. 90yo will do just fine. Irene Matthews on 8/5/2010 6:49:09 AM
You didn't say anything about whether you were financially able to quit. Even if you are, I agree that it's always easier to find a job if you already have one. I work at a mental health agency and also have some experience living with people who are mentally -- well, twisted. There have always been several approaches in situations like this, not the least of which is having fun while you protect yourself, i.e., --no matter what he's ranting/belittling you about --"Are you okay? You look a little pale. Can I get you something?" Works better if you can pull off a look of concern. He will no longer be thinking of you or your work and you've had a little guilty fun. It may even be a deterrent if you do it often enough, because he's at an age where he's worried about such things anyway and he won't want to hear it again. I don't think "advising" or "confronting" will do much except get you fired. You have to manipulate for what you need, always from the standpoint of what's in it for him, because that's all he worries about. In the assisted living facility where my mom lives (who is 94 and difficult), the nurses say even negative things with a big smile -- and I'm sure laugh about it together later. Life's short and you'll find something faster this time, but in the meantime, have some fun! Debra Thompson on 8/4/2010 1:20:47 PM
Elder or not, respect is generally earned! His age may be a reason for his treatment of you (possible dementia), but it doesn't give him a license or excuse the behavior. If you can discuss the problem with him in an appropriate manner, I say give it a try. Otherwise, look for another job and tune him out the same way you would an ill behaved child until you find something else within your field of expertise that meets your financial needs. rwalton on 8/4/2010 12:15:36 PM
I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. First of all, the man must be tired of working, so he doesn?t have the people relationship skills. Secondly, it appears that the 50 years of filing could be boxed and archived or better yet shredded and recycled. Another alternative would be to get permission for a temp to come to assist in cleaning up the mess. Regarding the order form, is there a way you can create it electronically? I have recreated all my forms I use on a regular basis so I can type them instead of writing them. I use Excel to do this. Typing the form would make your 5?s and S?s very, very clear. J It is difficult to be positive in a situation like this but he needs to respect you, too, as a person. Maybe you could sit down and have a heart to heart ? with a smile. If you can?t make a go of it, it would behoove you to seek other employment. Staying in situation like this can cause you to harbor a negative attitude, which you may or may not carry to another position. Hope this helps. Anonymous on 8/4/2010 12:00:19 PM
Quit the job and look for another one. No job is worth going through humiliation, degradation that you are going through. Anonymous on 8/4/2010 11:59:41 AM
Tough as it seems, always remember that you're meant to be there for a reason. I've learned more from a difficult situation than from a pleasant situation. Learn what you can and explore other options. Most importantly, practice stress management. Best of luck to you! Anonymous on 8/4/2010 11:58:05 AM
Sounds like a very challenging situation. And not one that I can suggest any resolution to. Just want you to know that your boss is suffering from some sort of dementia - which is a medical condition that you have no control over. Anonymous on 8/4/2010 11:56:56 AM
QUIT! No job is worth this. This not only impacts you but your family (spouse, kids, etc.). Let go of the notion about respecting your elders. If this man were a family member, that would be one thing: but he's not! He's not going to change the way he does business or treats you. So, tell him goodbye, and move on. Cindy Brock on 8/4/2010 10:59:27 AM
My shoulders feel so much lighter!! Thank you ALL for your words of encouragement and advice. Yes.. he is literally 90 years old. I have been in touch with one of his daughters who knew exactly what I was going to say before I said it. She said he has been like this with everyone. His family has tried to help him, but he runs them off. He had a granddaughter that worked here for about 20 years, so I'm not sure why nothing ever got filed away. I've thrown a TON of stuff away in the short time I've been here, and he almost croaked then (lol I know.. thats not funny) He absolutely holds on to EVERYTHING. His daughter said they have been trying to get him to shut the doors to this place, but he just won't do it. I've thought to myself "he's not going to be around much longer" but I honestly do not think I can tolerate even one more day. I am getting my resume updated and will be looking for a new job. I feel bad, too, because he is so old, and I don't want to leave him in a bind. But I promised his daughter that I would let her know my plans. As far as the paychecks.. he has an outside company do them.. but he will set something down, and lose it. It's insane. He calls me the "office manager" but he does not allow me to go to the bank, do the time cards, go to the post office... kinda gets hard to manage anything when my hands are constantly being tied. Thanks again to everyone!!! Elizabeth Rhoades on 8/4/2010 10:31:34 AM
Hang in there! Crying is stress relief that is needed in order to regroup and better deal with what is going on. I suggest you should meet with your boss regarding your list of problems along with your list of solutions. They should be listed in order of priority with a correction date in mind and plan to have follow up meetings to track their progress. Suggest direct deposit for your paycheck. Take over handling the paper work and give it to him in colored folders such as letters in a red folder, signed papers in purple folder, etc. And have him give it back to you the same way. Have a in and out box to place the folders. Get and keep a sense of humor. "Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds, the trick to getting out is to shake it off and take a step up. Make your troubles a stepping stone and never give up!" Michelle Hardiman on 8/4/2010 10:19:28 AM
Hi Elizabeth, This reminds me of several bosses I have had through the years. One guy would come out of his office every two days rant and rave at everyone then go back and shut the door leaving cigar smoke in his wake and many frightened employees. He was like a ticking time bomb. Please keep in mind that your boss? meanness has nothing to do with you. He is taking his stuff out on you. He is a very unhappy person. Heaven knows what made him like this. He sounds like a person with lack of self respect, self confidence and plenty of self loathing. He has a low self esteem and is insecure. It is no wonder those papers piled up for 50 years!! Try to stand up to him in a respectful way. I have found that once a bully is confronted sometimes they will back down. My best advice is to polish your resume and start applying for a new job. He will not change. You deserve better and he does not deserve you! Best of luck! Jill F on 8/4/2010 10:16:47 AM
Hi, Elizabeth: your past 10 years have actually prepared you for this disaster. A stay at home mom knows how to recognize a problem, formulate a solution, and follow through with a plan to solve it. What would you do if one of your kids treated you the way your boss did? Every home, every work environment should be safe, respectful, welcoming, productive...you know the rest. Missing paychecks????? Who in your community can advise you? You have a network of people willing to help. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Elizabeth. I remember what it was like at the end of a day like yours. Exhausted, yet headed home to a family who still needs you at your best. Take care of your health while you're struggling with this - keep your mind, body, and spirit pumped. and tell your family what you accomplished at work each day. You probably didn't expect your first job in 10 years to be the last job you'd ever have. Use this horror story as boot camp training for the next one (what a resume!)...and I advise you to start looking now. In the meantime, strap on the Kevlar and know you deserve better. AZ Admin on 8/4/2010 10:13:51 AM
When I first started my current job (10 years ago) I was faced with a similar situation. Although I didn't work directly for him, part of my job was to assist an older gentlemen many described as the DEVIL. He was so rude and insensitive he'd make grown men cry like babies. The first day, he insulted me and I too, almost cried, and felt like quitting. But I managed to keep a positive attitude from that day forward, not let him upset me by anything he said, and stand my ground firmly with him. If he approached me fussing, I'd jokingly respond by saying "Bill, what are you fussing about now?" I earned his respect by letting him know he couldn't get under my skin, because mine was just as tough as his! Years later, the DEVIL has retired, but he still stops by to take me out to lunch and calls me to chat often! As this man is 90, do you suspect that the business will eventually be turned over to someone else to manage? If so, I say stick it out. But in the meantime, let him know that what he's saying offends you, and that you will not be disrespected. Don't just say it - really MEAN it in your voice and actions. But also remember that this man is 90 and very set in his ways - as Admins, we all have to adapt to new bosses, their likes and dislikes, moods and bad habits, and you may indeed need to change your style a bit to suit him. Try to change your attitude towards him and see what happens.... Lisa Tallent on 8/4/2010 10:09:15 AM
Dear Elizabeth: After learning about geriatric age people's problems through my last position, I think your boss has serious memory issues. Based on what you said in your statement, he may not have had anyone helping him and the reason the the upstairs offices are so full of papers are because he didn't take care of them. If you are so disheartened about the way he treats you, (which undoubtedly you are) then quit the job and take another type of position just to fill in while you concentrate on finding another admin. position. Although I'm not a medical professional, my best opinion is that he is in desperate need of a comprehensive geriatric evaluation because his behavior is definitely indicative of mental/memory issues. Very best of luck to you! Anonymous on 8/4/2010 9:53:05 AM
Like Julie, I believe 'healing the environment' is not a reasonable expectation if you are literal in the age of the boss. My primary advice would be appreciate that there is a little income (although probably delayed due to cluttered offices that lend themselves to another lost paycheck) for the time being. Do what you can, and zone out that which he is bawking at. Aggressively pursue an alternative situation. While it does sound like this might be great fodder for a book later in life, with young children at home, the challenges of re-presenting to the workforce (not to say you haven't been working your fingers to the bone for the past 10 years), you don't need a 90 year old child to boot. If he is stingy - probably won't work - but possibly a contractor could be called in just to haul out the papers. Unless he is a doctor, or accountant - I don't see particular legal need to hold onto it. At any rate (and pardon how calous a response) look at your long term security as well as a primary consideration. At 90, pops doesn't have much longer - 5 years at best. Get out while the getting is good, as that old dog ain't gonna change his ways. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I do hope it gets 'tolerable' until you remedy the predicament. Don't walk out, be proud of all that you have done, take the crap that you know you can't change and start the mantras, however evil they might be (smiley face here.) "Water on a ducks back." "Life expectancy was fulfilled over 12 years ago." - whatver gets you through the pain of it. BUT, find a way of bearing it until you find something better. Now that you are employed, I think it may be a little less difficult to find a situation, as employers always look favorably on transfer rather than start up employment. Best of luck - and if you really have to vent - write me at cornellius@comcast.net. Jaisend on 8/4/2010 9:40:19 AM
GET OUT...No paycheck is worth misery. sgarland on 8/4/2010 9:37:06 AM
I've had bosses like this and they will never change! Especially at his age. Life is too short; so I would start looking for another job. You'd be surprised how much easier it is to find a job while you are still working. I tried to stick it out and started having health problems and I had never cried so much in my life! Now I smile all the time and love coming to work! Debby Rathjen on 8/4/2010 9:35:12 AM
Boy, sounds like a house of cards. 90 years old may be past the point of no return as far as getting him to understand what is proper in today's office environment. Deffinately sounds like you need a company like we had that scanned alot of our documents. But I think thats reaching with your situation. I think if I was you I'd follow my gut instinct in that the first day was almost your last. Theres no need to be crying at work. We have enough of that we think about on our own that can get us to that place. Work should be what you enjoy doing and give you a sense of accomplishment. If you're not getting that there, cut your losses and start actively looking for another job. Maybe you've made a few connections there where you work and other people or clients know your pain and can help. Good luck Julie Minegar Stasi on 8/4/2010 9:22:45 AM
I'm of two minds. The first one is: Kill him with kindness. Whenever he barks at you, just say "You're absolutely right. I never looked at it that way." I know it sounds condescending, but it often works. The second it that life is too short to go to work miserable, hating your job all day, and going home miserable. It will suck the life out of you! Start looking for another job right away. It's easier to get a job when you have a job, so don't quit unless you absolutely have to! Annabel Carney on 8/4/2010 9:20:19 AM
Dear Seeking Advice, You know the answer better than I do. Either you put your foot down with this man or you quit. He hired you to help him and unless he allows that you will never accomplish anything. I advise you sit down with him and ADVISE HIM that unless he stops belittling you and lets you do your job he will be on his own. I do not care how long it took you to get the job or how badly you may need it, your health comes first. If you keep this up that iwill be the next thing to suffer. I am sorry for your predicament, but maybe, as most elderly need, is someone with their best interests at heart to strongly advise them on how to proceed to better their life. I wish you all the best. TinkS on 8/4/2010 9:19:31 AM
1

Return to ForumsReply to Thread